Supersonic/Electronic Weapon 不特定多数による長期にわたる原因不明の嫌がらせ（６）

2012/01/04 (Wed) Slept from 2:30-6:00 + drowsing from 8:30-10:30 (3.5 + 1 hrs). Very strong shock when going to sleep around 2:30. One of them made my jaw shot making a noise, and another made me huff. When I woke up around 6:00, the game/car-like noise was heard and the noises in my head were loud. Again, very strong shocks with the same effects came every time I was about to fall asleep between 8:30-10:30. I think I slept at most 1 hour during those hours. I was woken up by a strong shock that felt like I was slummed in the head around 10:30. After I got up, I felt dizzy and was not able to walk straight.

On my way to work, at either Mitsukoshimae or Otemachi on Hanzomon line, several males in dark suits in their 50s or 60s got on, their toes first pointed to my direction but moved the other way, probably “reading the air” in Japanese or realizing other passengers were not interested in me, and sat on the seats closest to me, on both sides, as they exert the aura of tycoons. I was sitting on a small seat at the end and reading my textbook. Then at the next station, an old couple got on. They came to the seat I was on and the woman sat the far end from me. I kept sitting knowing the old man was going to sit next to me and thinking it might be impolite to jump away as usual treating him like a demon, but when his butt came close, I could see it was saying, “I’m gonna touch her!” and so I jumped off the seat. Maybe I was too sensitive, but I trust my past 10 years of experience of harassments. Actually, more than 25 years in terms of old male sexual harassments on the train. I can tell who is going to act dirty. After escaping, I stood next to the seat. On the other side were those strange tycoons on both sides and walking between them meant unpleasant experience. I looked up at the railway map, and heard the man who sat on the seat I had been sitting say, “Dameda-na, (Not gonaa make it.)” I looked at the doors, which were still open. I could feel tycoons looking at me. Then the old man coughed. I jumped out of the car a little before the doors shut and went into the following car, where on both sides of the doors males in suits hanging and where no other people than those men were standing and there were many vacant seats. I did not swear nor did I get upset.

I got to school around 3:30, much earlier than the class and there were no seats. Actually, There were two vacant seats, one next to the short-sleeve teacher , who was in a jacket today, and the other the one in the middle of the three big desks, on which a few pieces of paper were placed－later I found them to be just scratch paper and no one seemed to be using the desk and the paper stayed there till the time I left the office after finishing my class. (The desk was vacant yesterday, too. But a person who often stares at my bust was sitting near the desk.) I went out and prepared for the class at McDonald’s.

When I was walking in crowded MacDonald’s to leave there, two young men appeared in front of me. One of them looked at me, half smile, and said to the other man, “Gonna challenge again?（また挑戦するの？）” “No, no time left…（いや、もう時間がない…）” said the other man. The words of the second man were faint, so I might have caught them wrong. They might have been talking about a college boxing fight or something, but just because they talked looking at me ― I think the other man was looking at me, too ― it just stuck to my mind.

I taught the 5 o’clock class and came back to my station, stayed at the fast food shop till 21:00, and went home.



--- To f,

Correction:
Since I wrote about “fun chat” yesterday, it came up to me that one expression in my past update was inaccurate, so let me correct it. The expression was in the passage dated 2011/12/06. I put the passage after the correction and the expression is in bold italic letters. The correction is as follows.

Wrong: a harmless fun chat
Correct: a harmless fun chat with a hint of my openly secret affection for the person
;)

Note: I showed I enjoy having fun chat with no intention with anyone in my previous update, but this does not mean that I always say what I said to you to anyone. I hope you remember our talk on that day of early July. I wanted to make you pleased and used the expression, “It’s a secret,” to you in front of everyone, to make myself sound funny, explaining why I needed to use the computer you were using by confessing my lapse of forgetting my schedule in the afternoon and not having brought some printouts I needed for the evening class. I do not usually talk like that. I had never and have never used the expression to anyone but you and I promise I won’t. That one is only solely for you. :）

I guess I used up my brain power by that one that day and as I say in the passage I seemed to be boring, at best, after that. Or probably I lack some wiring in my brain, in other words, heart. I’m working on it…Though it might be late…if so, I’m sorry…
“I’m writing to you under the moon, waiting for the sun to rise …” :)


2011/12/06 (Tue)
The thing that makes me angry, about myself, is that I have hurt someone and that I failed to make myself happy even for a short second, because of this lack of alertness and sensitivity to the finest feelings due to sleep deprivation and the attacks. Of course I am rather insensitive to or slow to understand some kind of feelings of others but not, I think, to the degree that I was this summer:
Early this summer, someone said that he wouldn’t be able to sleep, after having a harmless fun chat, and I took it literally and gave him advice to sleep well while noticing and wondering about his expression changing from a gentle smile to that of witnessing a monster or something. I did not realize or thought of the possibility of the implication of the expression till November, even though I had heard the expression used to mean something other than a fit of insomnia and even though I myself used the expression for that usage in this blog in late summer, which also I had forgotten until recently. (My memories are so fragmented. It is amazing that I am still barely functioning at work) This was also probably because I have been alien to love and affection directed to me, even at a level of possibility, for a long long time. Humiliation and violence are the main things everyone has been giving to me until really recently. I should have been all the happier with the gentleness of his words after all the hell I had experienced and as I had been kind of attracted by him. When I think about this I have a feeling of loss and when I think about how the man felt about my reaction I feel desperate. Most of the time when I act insensitive, there is some fault or two on the other side, but he had nothing to blame.



2012/01/05 (Thu) Slept from 3:00-7:30 (4.5 hrs). Although I went to bed around 2:30, strong electric shocks kept me awake. They caused big fits of my legs once. They also caused fits of my head and hands. ]woke up to the game/car-like noise around 7:30. Noises in my head were loud and with my eyes closed I saw geometric patterns waving. I tried to get some more sleep but drill noise at the construction side on the opposite side of the street soon started and I gave up. I have a strange feeling in my head. The feeling you have when you failed yawning continues.

It’s past 13:00. I will go to the fast food shop and try to take a nap and study. I’ll add the rest of the record after coming home.

I studied at the fast food shop from around 17:30to 21:00. I took a nap for 20 minutes. Neither fits nor electric shocks occurred.