Supersonic/Electronic Weapon 不特定多数による長期にわたる原因不明の嫌がらせ（６）

2011/12/05 (Mon) Slept from 2:00-6:00 + 6:30-9:30 (4 + 3 hrs). Incessant electric shocks. Frequent flashes and fits. Used the pot to cover my head. Woke up by the game/car-lake noise around 6:00. Went to bathroom, took medicine, and tried to sleep again around 6:30, when a very strong shock caused very big fits, three times in a row, of my left arm which was in my futon placed on the small heater on my stomach. When woke up around 9:00 by my alarm clock, the noises in my head were loud. Several minutes after I got up, the funny feelings in my head occurred.

On my way from work, I was sitting in the train on the Hanzomon line. A thin, small, rather old man was standing in front of me. I thought of giving up my seat, but he did not look thus old or tired. Remembering a man was offended when I offered my seat long time ago, I stayed in my seat. After several stations, the woman next to me left and the small man in front of me sat in turn. I stayed in my seat. This I had never done probably for ten years because I was harassed, mainly touched, by the males sitting next to me almost without exception. I still jump out of the seat when a male, if not a child, sits next to me, but the small man had shown no sign of harassing me all the way. He did not harass me after he sat next to me, either. Moreover, it seemed that he was making sure any part of his body not touch my body. I had been reading my English dictionary and kept reading it until I came to my station. When I looked up when the train came close to my station, I noticed some males standing near me were tense and one of them was staring at the space between the small man and me. He seemed to have an intense interest in that space.

I had felt good that I was able to sit with another passenger like I used to do before this harassment started, just like other people do, sitting side by side with another passenger regardless of the difference between the person and me, and therefore I was a little surprised by the direction those men ‘s attention went to: whether my body was touching the body of another male or not. I had expected that other passengers who were standing around me and saw I did not get away from the small man had been feeling peace because I showed that I am not so agitated anymore by the harassment people have done to me.

I would have been shocked, instead of being surprised, by the finding but I am too used to finding the sickening reality to get really shocked and disenchanted. I am recording this just to put what I saw into words.


2011/12/06 (Tue) Slept from 3:00-4:00 + 7:30-10:00 (1 + 2.5 hrs). As I felt that I was not going to be able to sleep partly because I felt as if there were some excited people in the next room, I started reading a Japanese novel that I had been reading in this early summer on my way from Funabashi and had stopped because of eye fatigue. My eyes got tired around 3:00 and I was taking a rest lying face up with my right arm covering my eyes and left arm in the futon placed on a small heater on my stomach, and in a few minutes a strong beam-like electric shock hit the area between my ears and a second later a big fit occurred to my arm in the futon. I tried to sleep but an anger caught me. I got up and kicked the wall I felt I heard a noise Goh when I had the shock and fit. My phone fell. I placed it back but did not notice the line, whose plug is broken and loose, was off until after I got up in the morning.

I slept about an hour and woke/woken up by a noise or a shock. I read the rest of the book and went to sleep again around 7:30. I think I was attacked by the electric shocks because I remember covering my head with the pot I often use to avoid attacks during sleep.

Somewhere between the second sleep and the time was woke up again and stayed in futon, blinking flashes started in the back of my eyes, I pulled out my head from the pot but it continued. I moved my body but it still continued, in addition to the light, I felt some pressures, which occulted in sync with the blinks, in the back of my eyes. I moved my body again and in ten seconds the blinking and the pressures stopped.

I got up, ate, and got ready to leave home as soon as possible. I had an appointment for the dentist’s but had one and a half hours, so I went to the fast food restaurant in the station, where I carelessly ordered food even though I remembered the appointment. I think my brain was still sleeping. I did not notice my mistake until the dentist dug up a piece of cream out of the area between back teeth. I apologized profusely. I should have been embarrassed but as I have the same kind of experiences since this harassment especially the noise one started, I am used to my losing dignity.

The thing that makes me angry, about myself, is that I have hurt someone and that I failed to make myself happy even for a short second, because of this lack of alertness and sensitivity to the finest feelings due to sleep deprivation and the attacks. Of course I am rather insensitive to or slow to understand some kind of feelings of others but not, I think, to the degree that I was this summer:
Early this summer, someone said that he wouldn’t be able to sleep, after having a harmless fun chat, and I took it literally and gave him advice to sleep well while noticing and wondering about his expression changing from a gentle smile to that of witnessing a monster or something. I did not realize or thought of the possibility of the implication of the expression till November, even though I had heard the expression used to mean something other than a fit of insomnia and even though I myself used the expression for that usage in this blog in late summer, which also I had forgotten until recently. (My memories are so fragmented. It is amazing that I am still barely functioning at work) This was also probably because I have been alien to love and affection directed to me, even at a level of possibility, for a long long time. Humiliation and violence are the main things everyone has been giving to me until really recently. I should have been all the happier with the gentleness of his words after all the hell I had experienced and as I had been kind of attracted by him. When I think about this I have a feeling of loss and when I think about how the man felt about my reaction I feel desperate. Most of the time when I act insensitive, there is some fault or two on the other side, but he had nothing to blame.

After the dentist’s, I went back to the fast food restaurant and stayed there working till around 20:00. I think I was a little nervous about other customers probably because I was short of sleep.