2012/03/06 Now I remember why I didn’t go to the fast food restaurant on February 11th. I had forgotten that it was Saturday, after the several days of terrible cold/flue. That week was a mock test week and I had no lessons, other than the one on Tuesday, and thus I had a whole week off, and I was sick and alone, having no real conversation with anyone, all the time. I had forgotten what day it was. I now remember I noticed that it was Saturday late at night or the next day. I should have written the feeling of concern or regret right after I remembered, but I forgot that, too, even though it might be a ridiculous act to apologize when it is not clear if anyone is ever wondering this breach. (By the way, it is a trivial thing, but I never watch the poor rabbit scene of Roger & Me, though I always see a black man being shot, because unlike the rabbit scene it is unpredictable.)
I’m writing this because a noise, probably a car blast but also sounded like a computer game, woke me up, and the just remembered it and I think I will be prevented from sleeping again. So I decided to record this before I forget.
Why I stick to this particular day. I have been looking at Google search result of key words of this blog and February 11th, , which had never been on top, was on top, though it disappeared after I wrote about this day in the record prior to this.
2012/03/06 (Tue) -2 Went to bed at 1:17. Slept from 1:30-3:00 + 6:10-8:10 (1.5 + 2 hrs).
3:11 game/car-like noise
5:25 1 e-shock (slicing sensation in my brain)
5:43 1 e-shock to head + fit of upper right leg
5:51 1 fit of lower right leg
6:10 1 e-shock (strong) to head and arms folded under head
8:18 game/car-like noise
incessant e-shocks and/fit for a while after 6:10 and 8:18
The feeling like something is sticking in my throat when I swallow my saliva started a few hours after I got up.
13:00 Tried to sleep again but gave up soon because of the noise from the next room which showed someone is in there.
The rest of the record: Marked essays and tried to supplement sleep at the fast food restaurant in the station between 14:00 and 21:45, bought food, and came home a little past 22:00.
While at the fast food restaurant, I tried to sleep twice but was unable to. Got e-shocks to my head twice. I saw two women using a cell phone or had a cell phone placed near her right after the shocks.
Around 20:00, when I was working with an essay, a male sat two seats away from me. He was out of my sight but I could hear him. He spoke like f in a voice like f, but I could tell he was not f. If he was f, I do not know f. Anyway, in 20 minutes or so, he left, seemingly saying something to someone at the stairs. And some seconds later, some male voice, which sounded upset, came up from below. I never expected to see you just because I had written “To f (20),” saying I would stop going to the restaurant soon. If I were you and read it, I would keep quiet and see what I am up to, to see whether I am doing this thinking I can lure you out by this move.
--- To f,
I just noticed that I cannot continue to go to the fast food restaurant in my station on the days I put up several weeks ago when it becomes too warm to wear a long coat and thick long skirt. This is because of the harassment I have been experiencing and for which I asked you advice before. To avoid abusers, going to the same place around the same time on the same day is the last thing I should do. So far, heavy winter clothes have helped me keep my mind stable but I do not think I can if I start wearing lighter things mainly because of the stares I have been suffering from.
As for this act of waiting for you, I didn’t really believe you would come see me, I should have been given up long time ago, there are a few other ways that you could contact me if you have the will anyway, and in case that there is, if any, a reason you want to but cannot come see me, you would not be happy imagining I am surrounded by men who have an unusual and unthinkable obsession with my thigh or bust or those who enjoy behaving that way when I am not wearing heavy clothes.
I knew this act itself was strange but thinking the situation was a little unusual, I gave it a try. I am sorry if this has caused trouble to you.
Thank you for everything. Although there was not much fun, I am happier than I was one year ago. Had it not been for your being irritated or angry about me, I wouldn’t be so open as now. (There are some cases that I do still don’t understand why you were angry that much. I think there was a misunderstanding.)
To people who are nice and kind,
Since I started openly care for f, I met many people who helped me out. I have never seen people with such beautiful expressions. Thank you very much. I wish I could have become closer to f and you.
(Maybe I’m too sensitive, but right after I started writing this, a cell phone noise was heard a few times behind the wall of where I am sitting. Incidentally, cell phones seldom go off in the next room, and I think they went off a few times when there was a move in my actions.)
fさん、
気づいたのですが、数週間前に宣言した、決まった日に私の住む町の駅のファーストフード店に行くという企画は気温が上がって長いコートや厚手のロングスカートを着ることができなくなると続けられなくなりそうです。以前ご相談したずっと続いている嫌がらせのためで、同じ日の同じ時間に同じ場所に行くのは避けた方がよいのです。今までのところ冬服のおかげで精神的に安定していましたが、服装が軽くなるとこれまで苦しんできた（主に視線の）嫌がらせが辛くなると思います。
この企画に関して言えば、そもそも最初から駄目もとですし、とっくの昔にあきらめていて当然ですし、その気があれば連絡の方法は他にいくつかあるのですし、また、万が一、そんなことがあったとしてですが、会いに来たいけれど何らかの理由で来れないのであれば、私が冬服を着ていない時に、私のふとももや胸に異常で考えられない執着のある、あるいはそのようなふりをして楽しむ男性たちに私が囲まれているのを想像するのは嫌なのではないかと思います。
こんなことをやっていること自体変だと分かっているのですが、事情が少し特殊だった気がしてやってみました。この件でご迷惑をおかけしていたらごめんなさい。
いろいろありがとうございました。愉しいことはあまりなかったけれど、それでも一年前と比べて私は明るくなっていると思います。fさんが私のことでイライラしたり怒ったりしてくれなかったらここまで気持ちを出せるようになっていなかったと思います。（なぜあそこまで怒られたのか今も分からないことがいくつかありますが、何か誤解があったのだろうと思っています。）
親切にしてくださった皆さん、
fさんのことを表立って気にするようになってから、町で私に親切にしてくださる方にたくさん会いました。皆さんのような美しい表情の人たちは見たことがありません。ありがとうございました。fさんとも皆さんとももっと仲良くなりたかったです。
（気にしすぎかももしれませんが、これを書き始めたとたんに私が座っているところの壁の向こうで携帯の音が数回しました。ちなみに携帯の音が隣の部屋ですることはめったになく、私の行動に動きがある時になったことが過去に何回かある気がします。）
