Writing Practice: Moocs Academic and Business Writing Week 4 Grammar Tips and Wordiness

How I learn grammar: In my high school years, I made notebooks with all the  sentences in the grammar book on the left and their translations on the right. I learned them by heart and I still use them in my writing and speech. I now also try to make my own sentence when I learn a new grammatical rule.

Wordiness:

• Trying to sound too formal or academic. Unfortunately, in academic and business writing, there are a lot of examples of wordy writing. This doesn't mean you have to model your writing on bad examples. Your readers will always appreciate if you state your ideas clearly, using no more words than necessary.
• Not knowing more precise vocabulary. For example, saying, She ran quickly to the store can be made less wordy, and more precise, by saying: She raced to the store (race=run quickly). Finding the right vocabulary can help you cut down the number of words you use. Every reduction helps, even if it's only a word or two.
• Using too many unnecessary and vague modifiers. Modifiers like really, very, quite, and similar words add no meaning to your writing. If you need to modify a word, find precise modifiers. For example, instead of "There's a really tall building near my house," write: "There's a 50-story building near my house."  
• Using too many prepositional phrases or possessives. These types of phrases can add length to your sentences, often unnecessarily. So, instead of The car belonging to Mr. Wang is in the garage [10 words], write: Mr. Wang's car is in the garage [7 words].

Wordy	Concise
based on the fact that	because
despite the fact that	although
in the event that	if
at the present time	now
until such a time as	until
on a weekly basis	weekly
it is often the case that	often
have the ability to	can
during the course of	during
take under consideration	consider
to be of the opinion	to think
to make reference to	to refer to
in the final analysis	finally

1. Look for any of the phrases from this table and write them more succinctly.
2. Look for places where you use modifiers, such as adjectives or adverbs. Consider whether the modifier adds important information. If it doesn't, remove it or change it to be more precise. If you keep the modifier, ask if there is a more precise single-word vocabulary item that expresses the same meaning as the word + modifier.
3. Look at any sentences in your writing that seem long. Determine if there are ways to cut the length of the sentence.
4. Read your sentences out loud, one by one. Sometimes wordiness reveals itself when you hear it rather than see it.
5. Don't use a passive verb construction when active would be better. Instead of writing The bill was paid by us, write: We paid the bill.
6. Eliminate unnecessary personal commentary. Often, phrases like I believe, I think, I just want to emphasize, etc. are not needed to make your point.

It takes time to recognize wordiness in your own writing. However, the process will pay off--your writing will become much easier to read, or rather, your writing will be more readable.

Exercise: Correcting Wordiness

［Every single time］→ Every time ［I had to do a writing assignment, ］→I had a writing assignment, I was ［always really unhappy and miserable］→ unhappy. ［Due to my complete lack of confidence as well as  my total inability to express ideas of mine on paper ］→ Because I was not confident and unable to express my ideas, I believed that I had to work ［almost twice as hard as］→ twice as hard as ［any other student in this world］→any other student. This included spending ［hours and hours］→hours ［looking at a blank page and spending more hours editing］→looking at a blank page and editing ［essays of mine］→ my essay, ［just to make sure］→ to make sure ［I had really appropriate content, organization, and grammar］→ the content, organization, and grammar were appropriate. Since English was not my first language, I was concerned that I would not do ［so very well］→ very well at the university. When I entered ［the class offered by College Writing］→ the College Writing class, everything changed ［in a positive way］→ positively  ［due to the fact that］→ because my writing skills increased throughout the semester.

［In the beginning of the semester］→ At first, I had a lot of trouble with ［my first couple of essays］→ my essays; however, with ［careful analysis, patience, and my will to succeed］→ careful analysis, patience, and will to succeed, I started to write essays that I was ［quite proud of］→ proud of. I learned that if I could relate ［any topic of any essay］→ the essay topic with my personal experience, ［I believed that these essays were truly good and would submit it to my instructor］→the essays were good enough to submit to my instructor.

Checking wordiness in my draft of the draft of the final journal

This year, the Japanese government decided to accept more foreign workers from abroad. While it may seem good for foreigners interested in working in Japan as well, this is actually problematic. The government is trying to solve the labor shortage problem without guaranteeing human rights, much less citizenship. The government should make a real policy for foreign workers.

Over the past half a century, the Japanese government has accepted neither immigrants nor foreign workers except for political refugees and elite white collar workers. Meanwhile, the working population started shrinking about 25 years ago because of low birth rates and aging. Companies started to go bankrupt due to labor shortage. Then they started to hire foreign workers using loopholes. They have been hiring foreign trainees and students, who are allowed to work for a certain amount of time. They have also used those who have overstayed a visa and/or married Japanese.

As of 2017, foreigners account for almost 2 percent of the workforce. Many of them are forced to work overtime under poor conditions for low wages. Harassment exists as well. A large number of foreign workers commit suicide or disappear every year.

What the government has decided to do this year is to increase the number of the trainees. It has no intention to have a foreign labor law in place.

What is worse, the society has been xenophobic and nationalistic There is a long history of discrimination against Chinese and Korean residents. Prejudice against black people is strong.

Some communities are more liberal and tolerant. A few public schools in Tokyo support children of foreigners in their language acquisition. A community has successfully communicated and built good relationship with foreign residents by inviting them to traditional events and community meetings.
The global society demands that Japan accept more immigrants from the global society, while the way immigrants are treated will influence the welfare of the domestic society. 

Foreign workers and immigrants are not just economic refugees but also assets. They will reproduce the country and evolve the cultures. Therefore, they should be welcomed and their rights should be protected. However, the current government policy on foreign workers will treat them badly. (365 words)

My first draft had 433 words, so the new one has 78 fewer words.