Writing Practice: Moocs Academic and Business Writing Week 2 Journal 2

Review of Fahrenheit 11/9

Original writing: Documentary film maker Michael Moore's latest film Fahrenheit 11/9, released right before the mid-term election in the United States in 2018, can be one of his best works even though the box office result was one of the worst. Not only does it thoroughly explain the causes of the surprising result of the 2016 US Presidential election, candidly accusing the faults of the Democrats as well as the political system, but also accurately depicts the fascism under the Trump administration. It also relates to his lifework of documenting the destiny of capitalism by showing the recent predicaments of Flint, his hometown in the Middle West. The film focuses on the children victimized in the Flint water crisis and reveals the abysmal indifference of the government officials towards the vulnerable. I think this part gives a wider perspective and helps us understand in what direction America is heading now. The movie also offers a silver lining by recording emerging grassroots movements: protests by West Virginia teachers, young female candidates for the mid-term election, and the teens march for gun control. However, the film ends with an ominous image of the concentration camp dubbed in Trump's voice and emotional speech of a school shooting survivor and this I think worked as a strong call to action. Given the positive result of the mid-term election, in which the Democrats won the majority of the lower house, however, this movie should be considered a part of the US history.

Rewrite in comical and intimate tone: Michael Moor did it again! Released right before the mid-term election in the United States in 2018, his latest documentary Fahrenheit 11/9 relentlessly reveals the causes of that traumatizing victory of Trump in the 2016 election, including the woeful state of the Democratic Party, and shows what Trump has been up to. It is also about his lifework: fight against capitalism. The reports of the recent horrible events in Flint, from where the guy is, will definitely make the 99.9% with the US citizenship uneasy about having the .1 % doing what they want to do. But the movie is not just depressing. For example, in the middle of the movie, Michael Moore delivers toxic Flint water to the mansion of the corrupt governor by water-cannon truck on behalf of all those who have suffered from the water contamination. The film also has the bright side, like grassroots protesters including teenagers.You might not want to take the last warning about Trump turning a real dictator as a mere warning. It might be a precise prediction of the next disaster voiced by our man, who knew Trump was going to win. But, hey! The Democrats got the lower house back in the mid-term election. Thanks, Mike! We'll be fine.

Rewrite in whining/pessimistic Tone: Although I respect Michael Moor as one of the most avid believers in real democracy, I cannot help thinking that a film with the tone of this movie should have been out two years earlier, right before the 2016 US Presidential election. The explanation of the shocking result of the election and the depiction of the aftermath that followed it forces us to acknowledge our foolishness that allowed this mess. He also takes up his life-long concern about capitalism and reports the recent tragedies in Flint, his hometown in the Midwest, which are also frustrating to watch and make you feel that citizens are helpless in the face of abuse of power by the unscrupulous. The report of the surge of grassroots protesters including teenagers is surely encouraging and the Democrats got the lower house back right after this movie, but the last warning about Trump turning a real dictator may be part of the death throes of the great nation voiced by the person who was one of the few in the world that predicted Trump’s victory months before.

Note: The parts in bold letters are revised or added following advice I received. Thank you for your help!

Note: I found it very difficult to write a movie review. First, I had to do research on the movie I wrote about to make sure that I correctly understood the gist of it. Next, changing the tone of the paragraph was also hard. Writing tones in mind was a new experience to me, so it was challenging. Lastly, proofreading was tough, too. I still am not sure if I have not made any mistakes. All in all, it was a good exercise that humbled me again following the writing of Journal.

Writing Practice: Moocs Academic and Business Writing Week 2 Vocabulary, Video Activity Homework: Tone Exercise

vocabulary building

discussion posted 2 months ago by NorikoSasaki

Summarizing a reading material also works.

Tone Exercise 1

discussion posted 2 months ago by NorikoSasaki

Objective: The bedroom is on the second floor of a small house in the western part of Kyoto, the old capital in Japan. It is full of books. There are several shelves along the walls and one near the ceiling, all full of books. Books are also on the floor surrounding a set of bedding placed in the middle of the room.

Sentimental: The room was on the second floor of a tiny, ancient house in the outskirts of the city of Kyoto. Except for the window facing the center of the old capital, the desk, and the space adjacent to the next room, all the space in the bedroom was filled with book shelves with the books he had collected by haunting second-hand bookstores in the city. A humble wood shelf was placed near the ceiling above the desk. It was sagging slightly because of the weight of the books. In the middle of the room was a set of shabby but clean bedding surrounded by countless numbers of books, magazines, and LP records. The titles of the books indicated the angst and escape into stories in his teenage yeas which had ended a few years before. Now, weak light from the clear winter sky veiled everything in the room tenderly like a mother soothing her child who is falling asleep after sobbing for a while.

Optimistic: The room is a treasure trove for a bookworm. The walls are filled with novels of all kinds. The floor is covered by heaps of books and forests of magazines and LP records. They are surrounding a set of bedding placed in the middle of the room, from which you can reach any of the books you have been reading lately.

Notes

1) As you might have noticed, this place described above is not exactly my place. I cannot describe the place where I live now because it is less than a nest. Probably calling it a torture chamber is accurate. Thus I had to use a room in my memory. It was another person's room, but it was also mine for a certain period of time in my youth.

2) The part in bold letters are added after I received comments. I added the second last line of the sentimental paragraph after receiving a comment from GuillemVaquer. I also added "Now," to the last line to make the two sentences flow smoothly.

3) I omitted the last part of the optimistic paragraph following the advice from prod211. The omitted part was as follows: cozily wrapped in a blanket with a mug of coffee.

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2 responses

1. 
   

   GuillemVaquer
   

   2 months ago

   
   

   I like how you use the past for the sentimental tone. It got my eye.

   If I have to say anything else, I would add that the sentimental paragraph has a last line that is very emotional but does not seem like part of the description.

   I hope it was helpful.
   1. Thank you for your response. I'm glad you like the way I use the past tense. Well, actually, it was half unintentional. I first wrote all the three paragraphs in the past tense. Then I realized I'd better put them in the way above. As you say, the last line of the sentimental paragraph may not be called part of the description, but I wanted to use it as a metaphor for the atmosphere of the room. Also, shade of light can be an element of description of a place and so can similes. That's why I leave it there. Probably I should have worked more on the preceding part to make the last line function as a metaphor. PS: I added another sentence before the last line after your comment.

      posted 2 months ago by NorikoSasaki
   2. In my opinion, the optimistic sentence is very good but part of the last sentence starting at cozily shows a tone other than optimistic.

      posted 2 months ago by prod211
   3. Thank you for your comment, prod211. Probably the part you mentioned is redundant. Or does "coffee" have a connotation other than optimistic? Like scientists using coffee to carry on their hard work? Will coco do instead of coffee?

      posted about a month ago by NorikoSasaki
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2. 
   

   enixliu
   

   2 months ago

   
   

   Nicely written!
   1. Thank you, enixliu!

      posted about a month ago by NorikoSasaki

Tone Exercise 2

The tone of a picture of a forest: Melancholy

The tone of a picture of a kitten in a blanket: Innocent

The tome of a fisherman out in the ocean at dawn: hopeful

Writing Practice: Moocs Academic and Business Writing Week 1 Homework: Journal 1

My Journal 1 criticism, question, or suggestion appreciated

discussion posted 2 months ago by NorikoSasaki

Here is my first journal as an assignment of this course. I would appreciate it if anyone gives me a feedback especially about mistakes, unclear parts and other weak points in it or suggestion for improvement.

I write emails almost every day. Working for an English school, I exchange e-mails regularly with my coworkers. The contents of the messages are various, but usually they are about job assignments, schedule changes, and test results. The type of writing I do second most is essay. As an English instructor, I often write essays for ideas and expressions on writing topics given in a test called TOEFL, which students in non-English speaking countries who wish to attend universities in English-speaking countries are required to take. The topics are related to daily matters from dormitory life to government spending. I also write comments in my Face Book updates, about which I am rather lazy, and I write messages to my family and friends once in a while.

Except when I write messages to my family and friends, I dread writing. Especially, before I start writing, I feel that I cannot think of anything related to the topic. Although I have some experience about brainstorming and organizing ideas, I kind of panic the second I see the topic assigned to me for a second. What I do in such a moment is to try to focus on the core ideas of the writing topic so that I can make some points. Once I come up with points to make and start writing, I rather enjoy writing as putting ideas into words is a pleasure even though shortage of my vocabulary and grammatical knowledge makes me frustrated for a moment.

Although writing is not a piece of cake for me, I would like to be. or more precisely I need to be, a better essay writer because I teach essay writing to high school students at my workplace. In each class, my students write an essay and I do touch-up jobs on each of what they have written after the class. Therefore, I should be well-informed of academic essay-writing and English grammar. My class provides students with enough resources like a textbook with grammar quizzes and sample essays and my supplements, but it is actual writing and feedback to the work that will improve students' skills most as each student has different ideas and problems. To be of better help for my students' progress, I want to find weak points of my English grammar and writing and brush them up in this course.

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3 responses

1. GuillemVaquer

   2 months ago

   The only feedback that came to my mind was that you make very long sentences, which are sometimes difficult to read. Here is an example: "As an English instructor, I often write essays for ideas and expressions on writing topics given in a test called TOEFL, which students in non-English speaking countries who wish to attend universities in English-speaking countries are required to take."

   My option: I often write essays about the topics suggested in TOEFL, which is an exam for non-English speakers to enter English-speaking universities.

   I am an English teacher at a high-school in Spain and I sometimes wish I was preparing people for TOEFL, it is a very interesting exam that forces you to develop your skills.
   1. Thank you for your feedback. Compared to your option, mine is wastefully long. When my students write the same kind of sentence, I give the same kind of examples as you did to me. Nevertheless, I made this mistake myself and did not notice it when I did proof-reading. Such is the difficulty of self-check. I appreciate your pointing it out. I'll keep your advice in mind. It seems that I also have to work more on my vocabulary. I hope trying to make sentences like yours will help me not to make something short and simple long and complicated. Yes, as you say, writing for my class seems to be serving as a good practice for me though no one corrects me. I guess high-school students in Spain are better at English than those in Japan. Teaching them must also be thrilling.

      posted 2 months ago by NorikoSasaki
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2. FRANJA12

   2 months ago

   Dear Noriko, I hope you are well. I think that your english is rather good. I see that your vocabulary is good enough, no mistakes (nor grammar structure, nor spelling). I know by fact that as english teachers in non english speaking countries do not write that much. Congratulations and all the best in this course. My regards. I am from colombia by the way.
   1. Dear FRNJA12. I hope you are well, too. Thank you for taking time for my post and your comment. As you mentioned, it is difficult to have a real command of English living in a non-English speaking country. You are nice. Best wishes for you, too. By the way, I am from Japan.

      posted 2 months ago by NorikoSasaki
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3. Tatumrichardson

   2 months ago

   While gramatically correct, your journal can probably be described as “wordy.” Including more sentence-length variety would make the essay flow better and simply more fun to read. You use a lot of commas, which can easily be changed to periods to separate certain longer sentences. If this is an unwelcome suggestion, than perhaps try separating the sentences and finding longer (and more advanced - vocabulary wise) synonyms for certain words you’re using. This will make you sound better automatically.
   1. Thank you for your advice. Another person commented on my lengthy sentences, too. I 'll try to make my writing more fun to read by working on my vocabulary and by making sentences less long with fewer commas. I hope I can make my blog easier to read next time. Thanks again.

Writing Practice: A current problem in my community that interests me

I live in a suburban town near Tokyo, Japan. There are a variety of characteristics that Japan is known for, and one of them is the recurrence of disasters, especially great earthquakes and deluges, that often make headlines around the world. There are three problems that are related to disasters in my town that interest me.

The safety measures for disasters in my community may not be enough. Japan has been experiencing great disasters over that past two decades such as earthquakes and floods and according to reports, no place in Japan can be regarded as safe. Nevertheless, it often turns out that the municipal office had not been prepared for the time of emergency after a disaster hits an area. My community, which is located near a first-grade river, does not seem to be an exception. As far as I know, little preparation has been made other than the handout of a guidebook for earthquake and a hazard map for a flood. Although evacuation areas in case of a huge earthquake are designated, there is no practice involving all the residents, nor is there a net for communication. The hazard map shows the area that would be immersed in water, buy has no information about where residents should go when instructed to evacuate. This would bring about confusion when actually a flood occurs.

When a disaster occurs, communication and cooperation of the inhabitants play important roles in saving lives and recovering conditions. However, the cohesion of the community is week. Most residents of my community are from other areas and do not know each other. Also, unless you have children and have contact with other adults in this area, you have no means to communicate with other adult residents. Chances for participation in events and activities are low as most adults are commuters to the center of Tokyo. Some might be stockpiling food and figuring out where to evacuate, but others, especially those who are old or disadvantaged, might not be. We need to share the information where those who need help live and keep contact with them lest they should not be forgotten.

Another concern regarding emergency is that the weak, including children, are to be preys of selfish personalities. Evacuation camps are hotbeds of harassments. Japan has been known to be seriously paternalistic. UN reports show the low status of women in Japan and child porn was banned a few years ago only after repeated UN requests. In our daily lives, I experience and suspect sexual harassment by men to women, young men, and children. Most of the cases are subtle, yet still evil enough to hurt the victims. When a disaster hits, a Pandora’s box will be open and heinous crimes can occur. In a community where there is not much substantial cohesion, it would be easy for the week fall prey to the ill-minded.

TOEFL iBT Independent Writing, Technology helps us understand ourselves.

Writing Topic

Consider the following statement. Technology helps us understand ourselves. Do you agree or disagree with this idea? Support your response by including specific reasons and examples.

☆Let’s Think

1.      What does “to understand ourselves” mean?

2.      What helps us to understand ourselves?

3.      Does technology help you do it?

Note: To understand ourselves may mean to understand what is a human as well as what kind of person you are. It could also mean what is life and what is important in life.

☆Hints for Points

Agree

1.      Interaction with other people helps us understand ourselves, and technology increases the opportunity to interact with others. For example, by exchanging messages frequently with others, you can learn what kind of persons you and others are.

2.      Watching the world and people leads to understanding of ourselves. Media provide us with abundant information about the world and people. Through the information, we can have insights about what we are. For example, videos show us we humans can be both brave and cowardly, angelic and evil.

3.      Information about life, including homo sapiens, is collected by technology. Thanks to the advancement of technology, we now have very accurate information about the history of the earth and life. Also, AI has shown us not only that we humans are not as smart as we used to think ourselves were but also that we have heart originating from life, not from matter.

4.      Technology helps find individual characteristics. For example, DNA analysis shows you what kind of people you are related to, what kind of property your body has, and whether the risk of your having a particular disease is high or not.

Disagree

1.      Technology deals with matter, the physical side of the world, so understanding of our existence with technology is physical, which might be deceptive.

2.      The smartphone does not tell you what kind of person you really are. There might be some apps that tell you what type of personality you have, but this categorization does not lead to real understanding of yourself. To do it, you have to interact with real people. In the same way, to understand what is human, you have to not only directly interact with other animals to see the difference between humans and animals but also read good books.

3.      Information gained through technology might be distracting us from self-reflection. We think we have understood what we are and seldom try to think about what is life and what we should prioritize in life as human. People in the old days stack with basic values of life and had more fulfilling life than us. Even now, few people who spend more time among people and in nature than with technology become disoriented or commit suicide.

4.      It is not the earthquake predictions but the real great earthquake that makes us realize that we are helpless in the face of the power of nature.

☆Sample Essay Structure

【Main Idea】Technology helps us understand ourselves to some extent, but not to the full.

【Humanity Studies】Technology helps humanities studies.

【Media】Interaction with others through media leads to insights in ourselves.

【Counterargument】Being human made, technology has limits in helping us know who we are, which is important to remember.

【Conclusion】Technology has helped us learn about ourselves a lot, but we cannot be content that we can know everything about ourselves with technology.

Your Sample Essay Structure

【Main Idea】

【Point 1】

【Point 2】

【Point 3 / Counterargument-treatment】

【Conclusion】