TOEFL Independent Writing, Should Smoking be banned? -rewrite-

Writing Topic

Some people think that smoking cigarettes should become illegal, since it provides little benefit and a great deal of health risk, others feel that individuals should be free to smoke cigarettes if they choose to do so. Do you think cigarette smoking should be stopped by making it illegal or should it remain legal?

☆ Writing Topic with hints

The question itself is simple: Should cigarette smoking be illegal or not? However, before the question, this topic has hints for you to consider. You could either discuss the topic focusing on the hints or add your own view point, although it might not be wise to entirely ignore the point of the hints. In this topic, the point of the hints is the choice between prioritizing individuals’ health and respecting freedom and personal responsibility. In other words, this question can be translated as follows: Should cigarette smoking be illegal to protect one’s health or legal to respect one’s freedom and personal responsibility?

☆ Hints for points

♦Cigarette smoking should be illegal because …

1. it is toxic and causes cancer and other serious diseases.

2. it is addictive.

3. there is the problem of second-hand smoke/smoking.

- Counterarguments: 1) There are measures to take to prevent second-hand smoke such as separate-smoking and ban on smoking in public areas. (Smoking will remain legal while smoking in certain areas will be illegal.) ⇔ These measures are not practical because there are many smokers who do not comply with the rules and you cannot catch or shut up smoke completely. 2) Banning smoking will undermine the economy. ⇔ Some estimate shows that the smoking related loss, mainly medical costs, surpasses the loss caused by tobacco ban. Even though the estimate is not flawless given other factors such as unhealthy lifestyle and environmental pollution, it is intuitively convincing, since fixing something costs more than destroying it in general.

- Conclusion: To protect public health, individual freedom can be limited.

♦Cigarette smoking should not be illegal because …

1. you have the right to do whatever you want to do even if it endangers your health.

2. other dangerous things such as alcoholic drinks or mountain climbing are not illegal. Also, there are things of indulgence that we do not like or that are not good but requires tolerance, for example, food with strong odor, death metal, saggy pants, or binge drinking.

3. smoking is a necessary evil like drinking and gambling because

a) it helps smokers release stress

b) it is an established part of economy. If cigarettes are banned, the economy will be affected. e.g the tobacco industry, coffee shops, music clubs, etc. and tax revenue (1 trillion yen in 2009 to 23 billion yen in 2010: 63% decrease after tobacco tax raise) Cigarette industry would go underground if banned. As in the case of cannabis, making it available to the public will reduce the number of addicts and dealers.

- Counterarguments: 1) Secondhand smoke harms other people. ⇔ Only public smoking should be banned.  2) Tobacco ban will protect the young. ⇔  Many young people are attracted to things banned by the authorities. If smoking stays legal, most young people will choose not to smoke through informed decision or after experimenting with it a little.

- Conclusion: As long as measures are taken to prevent second-hand smoking, the choice between health and fun should be left to each individual.

☆One-paragraph essay = the framework of the full essay

Now let’s write a one-paragraph essay so that you can use it as a framework of your full essay.

Sample one-paragraph essay

【Main Idea = Outline】 I agree/disagree with --- because …

Cigarettes should be made illegal to protect younger generations and to solve the problem of second-hand smoke.

【Reason 1】

The number of those who start smoking can be greatly reduced.

【Reason 2】

The problem of second-hand smoke separates it from other indulgences.

【Counterargument & Counter-counterargument】

It is true that tobacco is not as dangerous as illegal drugs and the tobacco industry is an important part of our economy. However, when the public health is at risk, the government should and can take measures.

【Conclusion = Wrap-up】

I am convinced that cigarette smoking should be banned because it will improve public health, especially that of the next generation.

Your one-paragraph essay:

【Main Idea = Outline】 I agree/disagree with --- because …

【Reason 1】

【Reason 2】

【Counterargument & Counter-counterargument】

【Conclusion = Wrap-up】

Note: A counterargument is a rebuttal that can be easily expected. While writing an essay, sometimes you ask yourself, “Well, but what about this case? My point is vulnerable to it.” Then this “this case” is the counterargument. Hitting a counterargument is a chance to grade up your essay because you have found an untied end of a rope (your logic). If you can tie it well, you can confirm your point, making your essay more persuasive. Thus, taking up a counterargument when necessary is important to get a higher score. You can deal with a counterargument in an appropriate part of a paragraph or use a whole paragraph to deal with it

☆ Essay for Ideas and Expressions

A heavy smoker’s family loses him twice. Long before he dies of a disease which seems to be related to this unhealthy habit of his, when they realize that they are helpless in making him quit smoking, they start a silent but desperate mourning of his early death. It is the same sadness that they share with families of drug addicts. It is the sadness to see him die day by day. Still, this is actually a minor aspect of the tragedy of tobacco. Even though it might be difficult to put in practice because of smokers’ feelings and economic circumstances, cigarettes should be made illegal to protect younger generations and to solve the problem of second-hand smoke.

By making smoking illegal, the number of those who start smoking can be greatly reduced. Smokers find it difficult, and many of them believe it unnecessary, to quit smoking even though it has been scientifically proved that smoking causes lung cancer and other diseases. This is because smoking is addictive. When some toxic substance is addictive, making it illegal is one of the effective ways to reduce its harm. This is especially effective in preventing those who are not addicted, mostly the young, from initiating the use, since people usually stay away from things that are illegal.

Smoking seems to be a necessary evil and a matter of self-responsibility just like drinking and gambling, but the problem of second-hand smoke separates it from other indulgences. Cigarette smoke directly harms those who are around. Children of smokers are more susceptible to respiratory diseases than those of non-smokers, and many people are sensitive to smoke. Although separate-smoking and public smoking ban are promoted, many smokers do not conform to the rules and it is impossible to block the contaminated air completely. When some toxic fumes are around in everyday scenes, it is natural for the government to regulate them.

Banning smoking is difficult but possible. It seems that cigarettes stay legal because their social influence is not as big as that of drugs and they support the economy. Cigarettes do not make the user dangerous the way drugs do and smokers can keep functioning for decades. Also, the cigarette industry is an established part of economy and produce tax money, so that it is very difficult to terminate it. However, efforts toward changes necessary for public health have been made in the past. Coal was replaced by oil, which is cleaner than coal, and now oil is being replaced by much cleaner energy sources. Cigarettes themselves were a replacement, advocated by the government, for chewing tobacco, which was found to be contributing to the transmission of tuberculosis through saliva spat on the ground by the users. When the public health is at risk, the government should and can take measures.

Society is ultimately to be totally smoke-free to protect the health of citizens, especially younger generations, although care should be taken for smokers and those involved in the industry.

Class Supplement, 早稲田AO, 受験直前の注意点

受験直前の注意点

 

毎回熱心に授業を受け努力して力をつけてこられた今の状態を崩さず更に受験日までパワーアップするにはどうしたらよいか私なりに注意点を考えてみたので参考にしてください。

 

これから受験当日まで

☆過去問の解き直しと要約：　正解しなかったもののみ、添削された答案や模範解答を見たあともう一度解きなおしましょう。説き直しをすべて終えたら、内容を英語で要約しましょう。（入試が終われば恐らく読み直すことはないでしょうし、入学すれば同様の文章を大量に読むことになるのですから、準備のつもりで内容をしっかり頭に入れておきましょう。）

 

☆苦手分野のチェック：　苦手分野の問題は解くたびに落ち込むので試験直前には回避しがちですが、最もチェックが必要です。直前まで学び続ける姿勢を崩さないことです。今まで知らないでいた常識などを発見した場合、「こんなことも知らないのではだめだ。」と思わず、「テスト前に知ることができてよかった。」と考えるようにしましょう。やる気が出ないときは本番でその苦手分野が出題されて困っている自分を想像してみてください。その時のつらさを回避するために前もって苦手分野をチェックするのです。

 

受験当日　《当日の注意点ですが普段から注意して習慣にしておきましょう》

☆小手先の技術で切り抜けようとしない：　早稲田国際AO入試の筆記テストも基本的には英語のテストです。見られるのは英語の読解力と表現力及び国際政治・経済の知識です。実力を見られるのであって要領のよさではありません。要領よく解こうとするよりも、本文と問題を正確に読み取り、筆者の一番言いたいことと質問のポイントを理解することに集中しましょう。良い解答の第一歩はそこからであり、それができれば7割とれたも同然です。（もちろん反論や具体例などで重要でないところは流し読みするなどの時間の節約は大切ですが、これも内容を理解することによってどこを流せばよいかが分かるのですからまずは内容理解です。）また、解答欄が余っても余計なことは書かないようにしましょう。減点されかねません。うまく最後をまとめる練習は普段からしておきましょう。解くときの優先順位は　１）理解　２）内容　３）量　でよいと思います。

 

☆ポイントを先に書く：　普段やっていないのに本番でやってしまいそうなミスが出だし部分にこだわることです。筆記問題の解答ワード数はTOEFLエッセイの3分の１程度なのですから前置きは不要です。また論じ方の説明や問題文の内容の繰り返しも要りません。1行目でストレートに言いたいことを書いてください。詳細はそのあとに書きます。そのほうが時間配分もしやすくなります。最後はできればまとめの1文をつけましょう。

 

☆要約問題は簡単な言葉、個性を見せる問題は精一杯の語彙で解答する

内容を問う問題（要約問題）は内容を理解していることを示すことが大切です。簡単な言葉でよいので理解したことを自分の言葉で表現しましょう。自分の経験・知識を使って答える問題の場合、経験・知識＝語彙なのですから出せるものは全て出しましょう。【簡単にまとめる／個性を発揮する】のメリハリをつけた解答にしましょう。

最後に：　あれこれ心配するよりも少しでも多くの時間を準備に使いましょう。これだけやったのだから後は何とでもなれと思えるところまで準備すれば気持ちよく本番に望めます。

Class Supplement, 早稲田AO, Extra Qestions, Russel and the Internet

Read the following excerpt and answer the questions.

 

The Conquest of Happiness, Chapter Nine: Fear of Public Opinion, Bertrand Russell

 

In the Modern world, owing to the swiftness of locomotion, people are less dependent than they used to be upon their geographically nearest neighbors. Those who have cars can regard as a neighbor any person living within twenty miles. They have therefore a much greater power than was formerly the case of choosing their companions. In any populous neighborhood a man must be very unfortunate if he cannot find congenial souls within twenty miles. The idea that one should know one’s immediate neighbors has died out in large centers of population, but still lingers in small towns and in the country. It has become a foolish idea, since there is no need to be dependent upon immediate neighbors for society. More and more it becomes possible to choose our companions on account of congeniality rather than on account of mere propinquity. Happiness is promoted by associations of persons with similar tastes and similar opinions. Social intercourse may be expected to develop more and more along these lines, and it may be hoped that by these means the loneliness that now afflicts so many unconventional people will be gradually diminished almost to vanishing point. This will undoubtedly increase their happiness, but it will of course diminish the sadistic pleasure with the conventional at present derive from having the unconventional at their mercy. I do not think, however, that this is a pleasure which we need be greatly concerned to preserve.

 

Fear of public opinion, like every other form of fear, is oppressive and stunts growth. It is difficult to achieve any kind of greatness while a fear of this kind remains strong, and it is impossible to acquire that freedom of spirit in which true happiness consists, for it is essential to happiness that our way of living should spring from our own deep impulses and not from the accidental tastes and desire of those who happen to be our neighbors, or even our relations. Fear of immediate neighbors is no doubt less than it was, but there is a new kind of fear, namely, the fear of what newspapers may say. This is quite as terrifying as anything connected with medieval witch hunts. When the newspaper chooses to make a scapegoat of some perhaps quite harmless person, the results may be very terrible. Fortunately, as yet this is a fate which most people escape through their obscurity; but as publicity gets more and more perfect in its methods, there will be an increasing danger in this novel form of social persecution. This is too grave a matter to be treated with disdain by the individual who is its victim, and whatever may be thought of the great principle of the freedom of the press, I think the line will have to be drawn more sharply than it is by the existing libel laws, and anything will have to be forbidden that makes life intolerable for innocent individuals, even if they should happen to have done or said things which, published maliciously, can cause them to become unpopular. The only ultimate cure for this evil is, however, an increase of toleration on the part of the public. The best way to increase toleration is to multiply the number of individuals who enjoy real happiness and not therefore find their chief pleasure in the infliction of pain upon their fellow men.

 

 

1.    This passage was written around 1930. The author says, “Social intercourse may be expected to develop more and more along these lines, and it may be hoped that by these means the loneliness that now afflicts so many unconventional people will be gradually diminished almost to vanishing point.” Has this prediction come true? If so, how?

 

                                                                                      

                                                                                      

                                                                                      

                                                                                      

                                                                                      

                                                                                      

 

2.    Has social media such as SNS increased the “fear of public opinion”?

 

                                                                                      

                                                                                      

                                                                                      

                                                                                      

                                                                                      

 

3.    The author says that doing what you really want to do will lead to real happiness and, in turn, tolerance to others with different tastes and opinions. Do you think globalization of communication will contribute to this process?

 

                                                                                      

                                                                                      

                                                                                      

                                                                                      

                                                                                      

                                                                                     

                                                                                      

4.    What other aspects of society than those written in the passage has social media had its influence on?

 

                                                                                      

                                                                                      

                                                                                      

                                                                                      

                                                                                      

                                                                                      

                                                                                      

 

Sample answers

 

1.    I think the author’s prediction has come true, especially since the advent of the Internet, which provides opportunities to contact and bond with people across the world. This makes it easier to find someone sharing the same tastes and ideas and those with new ideas will also have more chances to find people who have the same kind of new ideas and opinions as theirs.

 

2.    Unfortunately, social media is a double edged sward and has increased the fear of public opinion. Compared to the era of newspapers, the speed and scale of the information circulation is exponential. A rumor can be literally shared by people all over the world in a second. Also, what is transmitted is not only words and pictures but also video and sound; hence, egregious harassments which were unthinkable before keep ruining the lives of targets, many of whom commit suicides. Moreover, anonymity protected by the system has increased the possibility of anyone becoming victims. Therefore, few can be indifferent to scapegoating now. 

 

3.    a. I understand Russell believes that people who enjoy inflicting pain on others, especially those who are different, are also oppressed and can liberate their mind by listening to the true voice of their heart as technology helps them open their eyes and see the outer world, and I agree with him. Things have been improving gradually as technology and media expose us to more information than before. For example, living together before marriage had to be done in discreet 30 years ago, but now it can be talked about openly as more people share many more ideas about happier marriage and relationship. Female managers, single mothers, and gays are less discriminated against than they were 15 years ago as more people came out and/or reported their plight on the net. Changes in public opinions have been taking place in many aspects of life and society. It can be said that the more accessible information becomes, the freer and happier people will become, which will reduce our desire to oppress those who act differently.

 

b. I doubt that globalization of communication will liberate people mentally and make them more open-minded. You can lead a horse to the river but cannot force it to drink. For example, people who hate a particular group of people proliferate despite this flood of information. Neo-Nazis, KKK, violent right-wingers, or Islamic extremists still exist, and even seem to be increasing in their numbers. Preconception or dogma often make some people blind and lose natural respect to others regardless of the reality they face. Moreover, unlike TV or newspaper, which provide varieties of information one-sidedly for better or worse, the Internet tends to learn your taste and narrower the range of information supply, excluding what you are not interested in or dislike. This system of filtering information can be producing more narrow-minded individuals than before. I think technology will contribute to freeing the mind of only those who are ready to be freed.

                                                                                          

4.    ♦mass movements of huge scale (e.g. Arab Spring, Occupy Wall Street, mass movements on environmental issues in China)

♦decentralization of information management (e.g. WikiLeaks (a whistle-blowing site which allow people who happen to find injustice in governments or huge corporations to report it anonymously, spread of information through Twitter and Facebook before official announcement, blogs supplementing or replacing editorials and Op-Ed, new business opportunities for individuals and small businesses)

♦grass-roots relief operations and researches (e.g. the Great East Japan Earthquake victims and radiation level researches, data collection)

Class Supplement, 早稲田AO, Keeping a closer watch on the sun

解答のポイント

主題： 太陽の黒点観察により太陽嵐の活発化を予測できる。太陽嵐はハイテクネットワークに障害をもたらす可能性がある。また、今後、太陽からの熱がどの程度地球を暖める（または冷やす）のかを測定し、地球温暖化にどの程度影響するのかを測定しようとしている。いずれにせよ、太陽エネルギー量の変化よりも人類によるCO2排出のほうが温暖化への影響が大きいことは明らかだ。

本文該当箇所　第1段落最後 Sunspots, vast dark areas on the sun created by strong magnetic fields beneath its surface, provide a visual guide to the evolution of the solar cycle, appearing in large numbers at the time of maximum activity and all but disappearing during the minimum. 第3段落 More worryingly, if the geomagnetic storm is violent enough, it can interfere with e high-technology networks on which advanced economies increasingly depend. 第4段落 Now that solar activity appears to be on the rise again, scientists are trying to work out when the next peak will occur, how severe it will be, and how long it will last. 第5段落 For more than two centuries, scientists have wondered how much heat and light the sun sends out, and whether this energy varies enough to change the Earth’s climate. 第6段落 The contribution to the Earth’s rising temperatures of the increase in greenhouse has emission thus appears far greater than that of any changes in the sun’s energy output that we know about so far.

 

問１　別プリント参照

 

問２　下線部「先進経済大国が頼るハイテクネットワーク」の利点と危険性とはなんですか。適切な理由と具体例を挙げながら、英語を使って自分の言葉でこの問題について述べなさい。

考え方  第3段落後半の磁気嵐による被害例から、ハイテクネットワークの性格を考え、利点と危険性の具体例を考える。

本文該当箇所　Electricity supply grids, satellite navigation, air transportation, financial services and radio communications, including mobile-phone networks, could all be disrupted for hours or even days. 電気供給網や人工衛星によるナビゲーション、空輸、金融サービス、携帯電話ネットワークを含む無線によるコミュニケーションが何時間、何日間も混乱する可能性がある。

解答のポイント例　good points：speedy (transactions are processed in a second), can handle things in large amounts (thousands of pages of documents can be sent digitally, occupying no space, sending messages to hundreds of addresses at the same time), cost efficient (requires less paper, transportation fee, or time), new types of events on the global scale (concerts, donations, protests, etc.)

danger： incredibly huge damage because of all businesses and institutions being connected in one network, chain reaction, difficulty of recovery if there is no back-up or hard copy

 

問３　「これは論争となっている問題である」という下線部で筆者が言いたいことを英語を使って自分の言葉で説明してください。　

考え方  「これ」の内容を正確に説明し、どうして「論争」になるのかを説明する。下線部の後に説明があり、気候変動（地球温暖化）との関連性の有無が論点であることを示しているので、「温暖化」問題の重要性を意識して答える。

本文該当箇所　第5段落 For more than two centuries, scientists have wondered how much heat and light the sun sends out, and whether this energy varies enough to change the Earth’s climate. ２世紀以上にもわたり、科学者たちは、太陽がどのくらい熱と光を放出しているのか、そしてこのエネルギーが地球の気候を変化させるのに十分なほど変化するのかどうかを気にかけてきた。第6段落 However, the recorded variations in solar irradiance are small, prompting many scientists to conclude that, in recent decades at least, the emission of rapidly rising amounts of greenhouse gases from human activity is a far more important factor in explaining global warming. しかし、記録された太陽放射照度の変化は小さく、多くの科学者は、少なくとも最近の数10年間は、急増している人間の活動による温暖化温室効果ガス放出量のほうが地球温暖化を説明するはるかに重要な要因だと結論している。

解答のポイント例　The relationship between the variation of the sun’s energy release and the Earth’s climate change is controversial because it can change the course of energy policies. To think about an extreme case, if the energy from the sun becomes strong or weak enough to make the Earth dramatically hotter or colder, it might be useless to talk about reducing CO2 emissions because, whatever we may do or may not do, the temperature will rise or fall and change the climate. This idea would allow oil companies to continue to dig out fossil fuels. Thus, this issue could be used as an excuse to neglect to keep an eye on our activities affecting greenhouse effect. Since it is related to our duty to escape or lessen the impact of future disasters, the extent of the effect of the sun’s energy on the Earth is taken seriously in debate.